I am on day 3 of being 32, and all the things I thought I would be are no longer. I never expected this, I couldn’t have ever imagined this, I wouldn’t wish this on the worst person I know. Some days are productive, but exhausting, and then I can’t sleep, my brain is foggy, and my emotions are in overdrive. Some days are not productive, somedays I can’t pull myself out of the hurt. Some days I have to sit in it to know it’s real. I never know from minute to minute how I am going to feel, and I can’t do any more than right now. I don’t interact the same way I used to, in fact I’m choosing not to interact as much as I used to, its easier than letting people know how much I really hurt. Spend too much time with someone they begin to figure you out and you can’t pretend, and then they want to to talk about it, and I don’t. There isn’t much to talk about. Nate died, it’s what it is, and now I just have to figure out where to go from here, and no one can do that for me. I spent my entire adult life with him, I literally grew up in his arms, and now I’m alone. That changes everything. My daily routine, my kids, finances, social life, work life, there is not any one thing that this did not change. It’s hard to try to figure out what you want when up until 3 months ago, you had it all, and this isn’t something you can just make happen again. The life we built is gone too, it will never look the same. How do you begin to sort this out, where do I begin?
The Words I would Say 